hifivelauren

It doesn't fucking matter what I'm going to write. Why the fuck did I waste five minutes just trying to think of a subject. Why does it need a subject matter anyway?

Lately, things haven't been too great. I mean, I guess it's nothing I should really be too concerned about; but the fact of the matter is, I can't simply ignore things like this.

This summer has been a real experience, a growing experience if you will. I've really become close to some incredible people and I finally felt like I could slowly distance myself from the destruction of high school bullshit. Which I've been able to do.

It always seemed like work was my life. An intrusive part of life. I think I should find a lawyer for this situation. Equal opportunity employer, sure, just tell me how I can live outside of your clock too, cocks.

These people mean more to me than any paycheck or job.

I'm gonna have to see the way the next few weeks pan out, something isn't kosher with this whole dilemma.

It's August. I guess a lot has gone on within the last few months.
I've just been my normal ol' self, a busy bee with work and whatnot.

I've graduated, which is great. I bought a new car, which is even better.

"Tell me, why are you thinking twice, about something that could be so nice?

I let the business fall by the wayside, tryin' to find a way to get paid for being around.
And as forward as I seem I am still holding back, I don't want to creep you out if I hound you.
I just know this is gonna cost me, we're gonna spend so much on coffee.
If all we get is late nights and weekends, then honey, I ain't ever gonna sleep again.
I've been around this whole little world, you're the best thing I've seen.

Oh please, I'm a love rhino.
Don't worry about me, I've got enough heart, for the two of us."
Sunny Levine.

Basically, I really do not get Tumblr, and chances are, I won't. So it's back to the LJ, re-establishing my 8th grade roots of the blogging community.

I really don't write anymore, and I have to say that I think because of that, my writing is nothing more than pure shit.

I was reading my past entries, god I was such a downer. I mean, really, I bitched a lot.

It's not like I've made 110% recovery from my state of despair, but I feel better than I remember.

I can't wait to graduate... Quite frankly, I'm so ready to be done, I have to make sure I don't fail anything, so there's that. I need to make up a lot of points in journalism, and I'm giving it a good go. Finally designing a page, which is neat.

The end is coming faster than I can handle, but I'm going to have to deal. This life is very surreal, but day by day, I think I may be able to deal with it.

I have to go to work now... That's one thing that hasn't changed. Bhey!

Rihanna woke me up this morning.

I guess I wish I didn't wake up.

It's about one thirty in the morning and I'm still up, listening to things I haven't listened to in a long time, some how staying content on a computer, which is something I haven't done in a long time.

So lately everything has fallen by the wayside, not in a good way.

If there is anything to say, it's that I'm glad I'm not clinically diagnosed a narcissist, gotta take comfort in that. I also take comfort in knowing that everything is in hindsight. Check this out, less than four months and I'm gone doggie. Who knows, I might be gone for good. I gotta check my options, but the obvious one is getting rid of the expenditure of human existence in my dwelling.

Simple minds, simple, egocentric, manipulative minds. All of which deserving of each other. Tied hand in hand by the rope of commiserable despair.

The saga drags on.

The blinds are getting bigger and smaller.
Kind of like they're melting.
Breakfast with Rachel tomorrow, woo!
Oh Christ Chex!
Sometimes it's just better to patronize.

I hate feeling like this, I hate being the way I am. I hate feeling like I can't move, like I can't breathe. I hate feeling like I can't do anything anymore. I have no hope for my future. I am a walking, living, breathing of worthless nothing.

My uncle just had major surgery and we don't know if he's going to make it. I'm so upset about it all. I feel so selfish right now. There is no reason for me to live the way I do, for me to do the things I do, for me to be in the position I'm in.

I just hope to god he pulls through, because I have no idea what I would do.

I have no fucking clue as to what is going on right now.

I just don't want to go.

And I still have no clue as to what is going on.

In other recent and late news, I've turned 18 and I'm merely half way done with senior year. But that's enough about me.

I'm really tired and I thought I should go to bed, but I've found myself here rather that in my lush heap of soft cottons and cool sheets. It's fucked up, I haven't really written in a while. Probably because I haven't had enough time to find a decent shrink, so this will have to do for now.

I've just spent a long weekends with good friends. I get really down and out a lot thinking about how I don't evolve like others. Or perhaps I get down and out is because others don't evolve like me. But on any side it doesn't matter.

I just felt pretty ballsy lately. I don't know if i regret it or if I am glad that I did so. Another question where the answer lies in me, but I'm still absent in mind to relay it.

Lately I have found myself pondering, what the fuck are you doing? This may not pertain to one person or peoples nor may it retain to a certain habit or ritual. How long can this honestly go, is it just an aggravation pain in the ass, or is it really worth my while. Am I the one who must reshape? A lot of things to ask, but I already know.

My eyes are watering and I feel like shit.

I am an idiot. I bought Christmas gifts for my dad and brother and I left their gifts at the Gap.

Let me learn from this life, let me benefit through the breaths I take, let me realize the beauty of the gift before it is too late.

I don't know, I'm fucked.

I wonder about a lot of things, but it seems pretty evident that if you see it, it is there.

Damn, it's been a long ass time since I've last written.

Summer is almost over and then it's a nine month crash course on getting my shit together and realizing everything I do after that point is my call and my decision. It's frightening in a million ways. Come to find out people have been preparing for this since the beginning of their high school careers and I'm gonna take it as it comes. Well no surprise there, I've always been a procrastinator, I'll just say I work best under pressure.

While this summer has flown by I guess I'm okay with it. Like I said I had two jobs, however, on the downside I still have nothing to show for it, in fact, I feel more poor than usual, none of my bills are paid off and I still have the same gas guzzling truck, which I love, but I was hoping for something different.

It there's something wonderful this summer has brought me, it's been closure. I'm all about that. I just had to realize that there isn't jack shit I can do about anything I have no control over. Which in retrospect would make complete sense, right?! Well I have my moments of being thick skulled. And by that, the end result is me being frustrated and anxious. And I ask myself, for what?! Can't do shit about it, well then here's the conclusion, perfect in its simplicity, stop caring and let go. It's top notch, lemme tell ya.

of this.

Schools almost out, less than 8 days, the seniors are gone. I'm working two jobs and rocking school.

My summer seems to be shaping up to be consisting mostly of work, lord knows I need the dough. During the summer, I hope to be working on some other things as well, but I never know how that's going to go.

Recently, I feel like I should have enjoyed the past more. It will be a miracle if I'll be able to get away for at least two weeks this summer. Before I had two and a half months to do everything I wanted but I did the exact opposite and did nothing. Why? Because I was afraid, because I was boring, because I was stuck in a phase.

I'm looking to the feature today with grim eyes. I have this plan. This plan I've mapped out looks to be mere perfection on paper. The more I think about it the more reasons I come up with as to why it could never work out.

I feel like I'm losing it with the two most important people in my life. I don't live my life on this here world wide web, maybe that's a problem, but not on my end. Why is it that I feel this way? As if a decade is less in value than a night of drinking with people you've barely known for a year. I don't know. I'm feeling reckless.

I miss it, I miss him.
I hate myself.

Why am I so sketchy, why am I so angry, why do I worry, why do I care, why won't I love, why can't I accept, why can't I get over,  why can't I stop?

Well it appears that I have managed to 'snap' out of it. I might as well add that it is the third day of spring and although there is snow on the ground I don't feel the least bit bad because I know it will be gone in no time. It's that winter season that really bogs a Michigander down.

I realized I've got things to look forward to. Not just in the seasons but in the time. Junior year is almost over and I've concocted the best senior year schedule, well I'm excited anyway.

In other news, I've made more revelations. Good news, right? I've caught a birds eye view of the problems that surround me. And for almost all of them, I'm able to flee. Which I have done, so I suppose that could be factor number two in my uplift of spirits.

I wish I had something interesting to say, but I'm drawing blanks.

I'm nervous. I always get nervous before I write. In the time that I think between me wanting to write and actually waiting the few seconds for the page to load, I get nervous. I have all these ideas in my head of what I really want to get across and I'm afraid I'll lose them all in an instant. I'm such a weirdo and I know it doesn't make sense to most but I can't help it.

Anyway, like I said, I have no idea. Curious to know about what I don't? Well that's only nature.

Today was a snow day. A boring day, I only went to the gym and cleaned la casa. Couldn't really leave the house after I got back from the gym. The weather was terrible. Any chance at a commute was inaccessible. So I had a lot of time to do absolutely nothing. I read all of my old myspace messages, which was funny at first. Gave me a good laugh, brought up some old memories I otherwise would have not remembered. Reminded me of certain things I'd rather forgot about.

But in regards to my subject. I truly have no idea where the time went. What happened, honestly? If someone knows, let me know, because I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin because I realized my life is over. Not literally over, nothing like a mid-life crisis, shit I'm not even close to meeting mid-life. But it's some sort of mini crisis. The day you for sure realize your childhood and all comforting things alike are over with and there's no turning back no matter now hard you try. I mean, I've been thinking about my younger years a lot lately, but today was the day the thoughts and memories became all that I have, and those days will never return. And I'm not talking when I was six or seven, I'm talking about the simplicity of life less than a year ago. Those were the days I felt whole.

I never thought that a number impacted your life. But the transition from 16 to 17 has been the most rough month and a half yet. I don't know what it is about this time in life, but does everyone feel as shitty as I do? I hope I snap out of this soon. Everything just makes me so cheerless and heartsick. Or am I the only one who even holds anything to those past memories. I wonder if this is even typical. Leave it to me to be  the only one who is stuck in something that can't even be brought back. Leave it to me to get broken up about something that's concrete. Leave it to me to dwell in people's, considered, messy years. Leave it to me to be the only one in everyones old and out grown phases.

At the time it felt awkward but now it feels more and more like home every passing day.

I know I should let go, but I can't.

My friendships are not competitions.

So with that said, I will no longer take part in such petty bull shit. But I will only focus more so on the ones that are worth it. The ones who've been there the most and the ones who understand completely with no condition. I feel for almost everyone at this point in time in life, well there's some major transitions being made, whether good or bad is debatable. And I'd like to think I get it. The ones who have always been there will be and the ones who have only come around on a inconsistent temporary basis will not be. Which would only make sense. But I still have a lot more figuring out to do, so I ain't even trying to hear none of that. Irregardless of how lonely I might feel.

So here's to the end in 'buying stock' in friendships.

True story. This last week, holy shit. I've hopped so many different sides of the fences, it's unbelievable. My sentiment has been all over the place. I don't know why but it's driving me nuts and I'm out of my mind. People man, it's all about the people.

Big realizations to the way things really are in regards to my relationships with certain people. Consequently when all the snow melted this week everything was so immensely clear. I'm really no longer in denial about certain things. Knowing everything I had learned this week had really taken a toll. I was down and out for most of it. Got worse last night when I was watching the Drug Years on vh1. That show just exposes the worst capabilities in all of us. While not all of us have had issues as extreme and deep as they exhibited, but to know that it could happen to everyone just freaks me out. I swear if we weren't born with some sort of self control in aspects of things, I don't think anyone would be roaming this earth. Something that they noted on the program really struck a nerve, it was stated that in 1985 20 million americans had experimented with cocaine, 5 million became daily addicted users. That just blew my mind, holy cow. It really pissed me off and got me really upset to be truthful. Kind of hits close to home.

I don't know if anyone understands where I was going with that. But the point is we're all so extremely vulnerable. We all try to cover it in different ways. Some manipulate to regain some sort of power wall over the others who aren't that self absorbed. Others just follow along aspiring to be the manipulative persons, however, fortunately for them, they have too much heart to carry on through with the action.

Theres a few in my life who have found the perfect harmonious medium. Those people are whom which I am closest to. For the rest of them, they leave me speechless and conflicted with every passing day. It's very similar to my rejection  towards the  clock. The time melting away right in front of my very eyes. I haven't thought about my childhood so much in such a long time. Like those people and like time, it's all in cycles. Perplexing cycles.

I was once told I focus too much on the little things but I can't really help it, I'm extremely observant. Because of this I get overly frustrated which over time makes me come off as bitter and sometimes careless. How could it not? I persistently say 'I don't care'. But 48% of the time I really do. I don't know if thats good or bad. I guess in my case, it's easier to be deceitful with stuff. Easier to be dealt with if you fully believe theres nothing to be dealt with. Figuratively speaking anyway.

I wish I'd just wake up one day and be grown up and realize I've got everything figured out. Or even more so, I wish I could wake up one day and people would just have made sense out of their madness and I could do the same and maybe, just maybe, everything would be justified with authentic feeling and the artificial barriers would be broken down and swept away with every passing minute during a single coma in the night.

I really can't remember when I've felt like this, it's had to be a long while since. My mood, my heart, my passion, all of it seems lifeless and lacks purpose. All of that has gone with cause. The people whom which I loved unconditionally and eternally are no where near in sight and far off. It really makes me wonder if anything could ever be the way it was. I wonder will I ever have the same chances. I beat myself up for the people I pushed away and I look grimly towards the few I let get close. I was askew, but so were they. They were at fault, but I let happen.

The article that puts the lump in my throat is unknown, but still present. I don't know who to blame. I don't really exactly know what happened. But in the simplicity of the situations I've seem to lost something important. And while I like to think I had all the embrace in the predicament, I didn't, and when in fact I figured that out I gave in with the weakest and most sour heart. I've been living that way, day to day, ever since I can remember. I don't blame my parents or the ones who actually loved me, but I blame me, and the trust and faith I instilled in people who couldn't bear it. I thought it was worth it to have a fighting chance. I never thought things would get as morose as they did.

The day I woke up and realized in full and at the same time in short, where I stood with it, I sank. It wasn't kosher. I had loved the way it never was and I long for it to be never again.

So now when I stay up late, losing sleep, losing soul, rambling on about that one something I won't ever be able to change. I've lost people in this world and I have to come to terms with the fact I'll never find them. Time is only temporary. My outlook isn't tainted forever, I still remain optimistic to the small percentage of positive change.

Perhaps my problem is me. Perhaps I'm not changing with the times, my refusal to do so results in me feeling lack luster and broken spirited in the end. One thing I know, there will be a better place and  better time for me, but for now I have to work my hardest to save myself from my old heart. Cleanse and restart.

I woke up this morning to a clean, fresh, untouched blanket of snow. So much that navigation outside of my home seems inaccessible. And it is, I haven't left all day, just became one of with the living room lazy boy and watched the Hills. The last note of laziness provokes my next question, I wonder if I'll have school tomorrow, it'd be great not to, thats for sure.

I finally got my new laptop, and I might add that it's gorgeous and will be spectacular to use on Christmas morning. I refuse to use it before Christmas, because I have to have something to open on Christmas morning.

This year's Christmas break is so short, it's barely a week. So I'm hustling for the holidays. I'm out of school on Friday the 21st. The next day is my birthday, and I've yet to know what I'm gonna do for that. The 24 & 25th is all family time and on Wednesday the 26th, I'm packing up early and heading for the great white north, gonna get some winter activities in, SNOWMOBILING! And give the Hayward's some nice gifts. When I'll be leaving the first of the year, just in the knick of time for my dads birthday, which is in fact, January 1st. So these next few weeks will be busy, I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping, but not quite, just some little things left to pick up.

On a bad note for traveling, I found out last night that the 4x4 on my truck went out, which is just lovely, but dad and I will take it up to Krug tomorrow, see what they can do, perhaps they'll fix the locks, that'd be kick ass.

Suppose I'll be on my way, come back in another month and a half to fill this sucker in, but it's truly not a matter.

Haha, it's been merely a month since my last ONLINE BLOG -endorsements-.

Since then, not a whole lot has changed, I took my well needed trip, it was terrific and I can't wait till I have more exciting winter adventures to the north.

The weather is more seasonal, but the gas prices are that of summer time. Who really can afford $3.15 a gallon for unleaded? Well I need cash more now than ever, and if OPEC keeps diggin' in my pocket, I'll never pay off my debts.

I'm sure some might read this next tidbit and sneer at the thought, but I'm very excited for Christmas, I'm almost for certain I'll be getting a gorgeous Dell Inspiron 1720. It's a tough call between the yellow and green. I'm leaning towards yellow, but when brought up with others, the words "gaudy" and "hideous" come into play, and not spoken from these lips, lemme tell ya. I've got time to think about it though.

Finally, the first quarter of school is officially over, and with that I'm pullin' with an A, 2 B's, 2 C's, and U. No big deal, I'm just gonna have to kick it into gear, if my social life goes into turmoil (God forbid, it was never that exciting anyway), it's alright, I'm kind of accustomed.

It's plain to see that I'm not an avid blogger and I'm positive it doesn't bother anyone a bit.

But if you were by chance stoppin' by for an update, 80% of my daily living is full of angst to those strangers I pass on the street, to the ones I love.





I've gotta take a trip.
And come last weekend of this some-what indian summer month of October (the weather is so unseasonable it's ungodly) I'm outta here.

for the next 9 months.

Under slept, overly tired, and in a hurry. That's right. School has started. And now I'm in my second week. And I've gotta say, never really missed the whole damn deal. This whole new strange building with a class full of new faces. Some of which who intrigue other who come off as a dime a dozen. Note: Trust me kids, your lives aren't as complicated as you make them come off.

But in the midst of all this anxiety I always thought I had that small handful of friendly faces to turn to. But that's currently up for debate. I'd like to think no one would ever seen anything in me that could be potentially useful and now I'm thinking thats turned around. Could I be that lack-luster companion on your shelf of chums?

I mean, I've always had the ability to be quick to things and help out where help is needed. But you've gotta remember theres a whole lot more to want than need. So I pose the question, am I a third wheel, part of package, piece of shit?

I'll look at it like a doctors office, you go there when you need to, and no time else. The doctor takes time to figure out whats wrong, treats the issue in the best way possible and sincerely sends you on your merry way. And as soon as you leave the office you know you won't be back until you need to be.

Among many other things.

The last few days have been significantly eventful. I haven't worked so I've had some time on my watch that was mine. In that small amount of time more revelations have risen and I've also managed to hit my brother with my vehicle, but thats another story.

You see, it all started when I was watching the drug years, which I have indulged in many a times. But this time, it was different, things were a hell of a lot more clearer, perhaps it was because most of the bullshit was relate-able. Ranging from the blown out and hallucinating hippies of the 60's as well as those who had disco fever in the 70's. Coked and cracked out ethnicities of the 80's to the rollin' mother fuckers of the 90's, not to mention prohibition and the junkies of the 30's and 40's. And within the last century this has all boiled and swelled up into a sub section of the american culture. And of course, we as american's have an excuse as to why any of that happened.

It's become clear to me that people here and all over the world have decided to depend on a mixture of chemical reactions in the brain and body to achieve three basic pillars of human existence and communication. God damn thats fuckin' peace, love, and freedom.

So peace eh? That shit causes peace? Well if we we're to look back in time we'd see that the Britain and most of Asia never  had a war over opium dating back hundreds and hundreds of years ago. And the current crime of the inner cities isn't largely result of addictions. And is it said that it is merely impossible to love someone without having some sort of impairing concoction in your system? Is that what it's coming down to these days? Is that how love really has to be created? By an extensive loss in brain cells and perhaps blurred vision, glitched motor skills, and slurred speech? And freedom, here's where those bum fucks really get me. Does it make you feel free to have your body crave something unnatural and harmful? Is it really freedom when you can't live your life without feeling clouded and the thought of reality butchers you?

I don't know, I really had to get that out, and like always if you don't agree I really don't care, and if you do, I'm glad to see we're on the same level. And if by chance I've swayed your mind, then thats great. But while you're out there trying to find your next fix, poppin' your pills, stoppin' by to pick up your dime, snortin' a line, or pullin' out your kit, just take the time to think about it. Just to know that this culture we live in is largely thrived on something so feeble and petty.

I'm the utmost disgusted, I suppose I'll leave this as is.

The subject of that was completely and utterly pointless.

However, I'm hoping today won't be. I just came home from lunch with Heather, it was nice considering I haven't seen her in quite some time. I really don't have much planned for the rest of the day except catching up on some laundry, picking my 19 year old brother up from work at six, and then I have to go make a living for myself at seven. That's okay though, I like working, I think maybe when I'm older I could easily become work obsessed.

I'm the only one home for the moment, Mom and Dad are out car shopping for my mom's new mustang, woot. Hopefully I'll find my hands clasped around those keys someday, that'd be pretty kick ass don'tcha think?

So I guess on a more serious note, when I put things into perspective, my relationships with, I suppose close people in my life, current or past, well most of 'em are crumbling into ruins as far as I'm concerned. Effort on both sides is mere none to minimal. Of course not everything will balance out with everyone, but this is all to common. So I think to myself, is it even worth my time to think about it? Try to fix it? It's just so depressing to think someone who would be there for you, your whole life, doesn't even know what's been going on for the last three months. And I mean nothing. And if I could be boldly honest, I really think most of this bullshit has nothing to do on my part. If any, very minimal. Just thinking about the whole thing makes me extremely somber. But I can't say I'm completely out cold with the whole situation, I still have a small few I can count on, those who make the effort and feel that what we have is worth their time to work on. And for what it's worth, I appreciate it more than they'll probably ever know now. Uncanny thing is, they should have never felt obligated at all. I must be doing something right.

I don't expect you to understand anything I just wrote, if it only makes sense to me thats fine. But I'm leaving this for the memoirs.